| Sooooo....I got pretty frustrated tonight when I went to check my work email for shits and giggles and there is an email there that DEFINITELY has been forwarded onto someone, the way she stated when she asked me about something.
Here's the deal: she is NOT my fucking supervisor. I tried to send her the list of keys that she asked for before I left like she asked me to (though, I have absolutely no idea what good it will do her...we're off till Jan. 2, and the job she's doing will let her know what keys are there, and she'll just have to wait till they come in anyway, AND it's a job the many people we supervise should do once they get back to work a little later). I don't even know if the keys are going to have to be completely remade because we have a HUGE list of them that need to be remade because half the ones we received after the summer didn't actually work. But we only started finding this out toward the end of the semester, when kids locked themselves out of their rooms.
I'm pretty frustrated with work in general. I need to vent about it in writing because I vent about it too much to my poor, wonderful friends who have to listen to me talk about it EVERY SINGLE day. Trust me, I know that it's getting old to listen to me bitch, because I'm tired of having to deal with it.
It causes me a lot of PHYSICAL stress, even. I haven't been sleeping well for the past several weeks, and when I get phone calls and emails, my back tenses up and my stomach lurches. As Tina Fey would say "blergh."
I feel like I've done a very good job, but unfortunately, I have someone who feels the need to bring up every mistake I've made, or make me relive it, or make me apologize for it. That's the worst, I think...the apologizing. If I'm frustrated or upset about something she's doing, I tell her, but by the end of it, I've felt like I've apologized for being upset or frustrated. But she's fucking frustrated with me all the time apparently.
It's not like she gets her job done on time.
I don't know. I would love to say that every time I set out to do a job, I get it done in an adequate amount of time with absolutely no mistakes. But, given the option to do things in the given amount of time with very few mistakes or to do things with absolutely no mistakes and past a deadline, I'd pick minimal mistakes. They're not mistakes that are going to risk people's lives or anything. They're mistakes that I can learn from. I keep a journal of the stuff I do at work (and when I say journal, I mean, I jot down things and stick it in a file folder that I can look through...I think it's very telling to look back to a piece of paper that I wrote on three months ago, and try to figure out by the type of paper and the way my handwriting looks, what kind of day/mood/etc. it was), and trust me, I learn more from the mistakes I've made than I do sitting there trying to prepare for the things that may come. Think about it: how embarassing was it to have to admit to your supervisor that you couldn't add 3 and 5 together on your monthly report? That's not something you're going to forget down the line.
I see myself as EXPLORING this career. It's not something that I really saw myself doing, and I'm not sure I really want to continue seeing myself in it, but I can't know for sure without trying it. And besides, it acts as a thick security blanket for me right now. I KNOW what I want to do with myself, but for some reason I've been holding MYself back, and I need to figure what the fuck is up with that before I'll be able to say goodbye to good old Denton. I'm terrified about something out there in the real world, and I'm sure it's something that I carry around with me every day, but until I can face it for what it really is, I'm going to be doing everything BUT what I really want to do.
The thing I hope to bring from this year's experience, more than anything else, is how to learn not to let other people's shittiness...their stupidity, laziness, insecurities, etc....affect my own well-being. I get so wrapped up in trying to be nice, that I don't know when to stand up for myself. Or I do know, but then I'm scared shitless about what MIGHT happen if I make my backbone known. I think I'm afraid that my good girl image might get tarnished, or the mistakes that I've made will suddenly surface...and I won't have a case to stand on. I own my mistakes, but I always have this fear that there are things out there that I haven't realized or that someone's been covering up. It's not really paranoia...shit, that's probably exactly what it is.
Are these really reasons to be afraid, though? Would I really enjoy this job under certain circumstances, or is she just the easiest scapegoat because she's there? I'm tired of pretending, but now I've still got a whole 'nother semester to deal with her. Do we start new, me being the person I kept wanting to turn into...to stand up to her bullying and SHIT, or do I just work myself through the semester quietly, knowing that I won't have to work closely with her next year?
I wish there were an easy answer. I should start recording the things that I try and how they work. I feel like I've tried many different tactics (besides being a flat out bitch, which has been suggested) that haven't worked, but thinking back, I'm not sure what they are or why they didn't work.
Hmmm, there's a place to start, I guess.
Oh, and I'm tired of being stressed about work when I'm not at work. That needs to FUCKING STOP. I've gotta try some yoga or meditation or something. |
